You’ve heard of Tinder, right?
You know, the dating app that lets you swipe left or right on a potential match based on their looks. And if they match with you, then you can message each other.
Well, how would you feel about a dating site that took that same idea and applied it to demisexuals?
That’s right—we’re talking about a dating site for demisexuals!
Demisexuality is a term used to describe people who do not experience sexual attraction unless there is an emotional connection. So for this dating site, we’ve taken the idea of Tinder and designed it so that instead of judging potential matches based on their appearance alone (which is often socially expected), you judge them based on their personality and interests, which are usually more important than whether or not they look good standing next to a tree. That way, people who have trouble finding romantic partners because they aren’t attracted to just anyone can find someone who actually “gets” them.
Dating site for demisexuals
Online dating as demisexuals: New age apps like Tinder and Bumble have made dating far more accessible. If you are looking for someone to connect with or hook up with, dating apps can surely point you in the right direction. Scroll the profiles, read their bio, swipe right if you find someone attractive and left if you are uninterested. While online dating may seem much like shopping for people, we cannot deny that it works for most people. The keyword here is ‘most’. Because as advanced as dating apps are, there are a group of people that dating apps might never work on – Demisexuals.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual and romantic attraction to people they have close emotional connections with. Now, you might be thinking that it doesn’t sound too bad. After all, doesn’t everyone prefer having an emotional attraction to the person they are having sex with?
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An emotional connection for demisexuals is not a preference or an additional bonus – it is a must-have for sexual and romantic attraction. To put it most simplistically: no emotional bond equals no sexual attraction. The opportunity of lust at first sight – the principle that governs the success of dating apps – does not arise here. As a demisexual person, dating apps have always been a dampener for me. I am not someone who gets attracted to chiseled faces, beards, or muscular bodies, as I have learned in the past through my limited experience on dating apps. Emotional connection cannot be built overnight, it takes time to build, but the dating apps have made most folks eager and impatient. Sex has moved to courtship period or often in the category of “getting to know each other first”.
Where does this leave demisexuals?
One of my interns who is a demisexual shares her distressful experience
“The two-dimensional pictures that flash on the screen invoke absolutely no desire or emotion in me. The first time I used a dating app, I swiped left on every single man that the algorithm recommended for me. I spent hours on the app until my eyes grew blurry, trying to make a connection, but failing miserably. I thought that maybe I was being too shallow, that my standards were too high. So I pushed myself to swipe right on random people I had no interest in. It made me deeply uncomfortable, and it was more of a chore or an obligation than enthusiasm or excitement.
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Most men I met viewed dating as an entitlement. Their desperation for a sexual/ romantic connection and resistance to understanding women made them see me like a prize more than a fellow human being. They all had a sex-centered idea of what dating meant, and it was incompatible with mine.
Feeling dejected, I went on to the internet for answers. Why couldn’t I be romantically interested in others like my peers could? What was wrong with me? Apparently nothing! I was just wired differently than most people I knew. I wasn’t broken, but the service that dating apps provide was just not what I needed to make a connection.”
The issue faced by demisexuals is further compounded by the fact that many men have poor dating skills. Our sex repressive culture has ensured that most men are raised to be good professionals but not good romantic/ sexual partners.
I asked some of my demisexual followers about their experience in the dating world and these are some of the responses I received:
“Exhausting and time-consuming. But worth it when it is worth it”.
“Horrible! Wish I could engage in casual sex.”
“I had sex with a guy without getting much attached and I still regret it.”
“Not so good. Exhausted from explaining my orientation.”
Something that I have noticed while talking to other demisexual people is that most of us feel like the dating world imposes an ultimatum on us. It tells demisexual people that if you cannot commit, get attracted to, or have sex with a person within a stipulated time, you are doomed to be single forever. Due to this, we have to force ourselves into situations and relationships we are not comfortable with. Because if we do not conform to the rules set by the modern dating world, we feel like we have no right to ask for a romantic relationship.
Pride Month is not only for celebrating your sexual/gender identity, but it is only for taking your power back. It is about unabashedly declaring your own true self, demanding the respect and space you deserve. Everyone – no matter their preferences- should be able to love who they want, at their own pace, without feeling like they are doing it wrong. The third date means sex rule do not work for everybody. That is why we need to reexamine and reimagine the world of dating to be more inclusive to more people. Everyone deserves to love, even if they need years to get there.
Dating Apps for Different Relationship Goals
1. The Young Professional: Match is a great choice because of the large amount of members worldwide. You can search by his or her profession and list your profession in your profile choices. Hinge is a dating app geared towards young professionals and recently they eliminated the swiping feature to differentiate them from Tinder. Now they’re calling themselves, the relationship app.
READ MORE: Match Adds Misconnections Feature
2. Someone a Bit Cynical About Online Dating and Apps: If you’re cynical, have some fun with some niche dating apps such as Bristlr for women who fancy men with facial hair, Align to match you based on astrology, or Gluten Free Singles for the gluten-fee intolerant.
3. Someone Just Looking for Fun: Tinder started out with most of the users swiping right to hook up. Now they say 80% of their members are looking for a meaningful relationship. Read the mini bios on the profiles to see if you should swipe right or left to find someone fun to hang out with.
READ MORE: These Names Will Get You More Right Swipes on Tinder
4. Someone Who Wants Companionship: Many sites and apps will help you find friends. The Bumble app has a BFF feature, where you can switch from looking for a relationship, to looking for a friend to hang out with for a non-dating experience. They call it switching to the friend zone. OkCupid also gives you a choice of searching for New Friends, Casual-Dating, Long-Term Dating, or Casual Sex. Happn is a great app, because it matches you based on who you’ve crossed paths with, as they are a geo-location app.
5. Someone Divorced or Widowed and a Bit Apprehensive of Online Dating: If you’re starting over and don’t want to be bombarded with cubs looking for cougars and might want to meet someone more serious, eHarmony, a name that’s been around since 2000 would be the way to go. They allow you to take your time in communicating with potential dates.
READ MORE: Bumble App Now Helps You Find Your BFF
6. Someone Sporty Who Wants to Avoid the Bar Scene: Avoiding the bar scene is high on a lot of singles’ lists. Any site or app that has a chat feature would be good to have a virtual drink date. You can both grab a glass of bubbly or your favorite spirit and chat. If you’re a workout fanatic,, try the new Sweatt app for fitness enthusiasts.
7. Gay or Bi-Curious: Grindr was the original app for gay men, but these days many sites allow you to search based on your sexual preferences. Check out OkCupid, where in the drop down menu of your profile you can state if you’re Straight, Gay, or Bi-sexual. Click the more button and you’ll find a wider selection including Asexual, Demisexual, Heteroflexible, Homosexual, Lesbian, Pansexual, Queer, Questioning, and Sapiosexual. That’s a pretty full menu. Tinder just added a new gender feature, which includes transgender relationships.
8. Someone Not Very Good with Technology: For those technically challenged, they won’t be happy with any site. I suggest they enlist the help of a dating coach with experience in this area. A recent PEW research study showed that 30% of women had someone write their profiles. If you really can’t stomach logging on and swiping right, find a professional who can do this. As one who’s been been coaching singles for over 20 years, I do the work for many busy CEOs, or technically challenged singles, to be their digital wing woman. It solves the goal of meeting someone, while not having to be attached to the push notifications on your cell phones.
READ MORE: Find out How Irresistible Profiles Will Help You Find Your Dream Date
About Julie:
Julie Spira is the world’s top online and mobile dating expert. As an early adopter of the Internet, Julie has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and ranks as the most influential person in social media in the categories of “dating” and “online dating.” Julie’s the author of the bestseller, and is the go-to person in the media, having appeared in over 1000 stories on the intersection of dating and technology. She was the winner of the 2017 iDate Awards for Best Dating Coach. She’s also listed as one of the top 10 columnists to follow on Twitter.